Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
