im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
