a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
