A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Michael Bay diarrhea
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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