Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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