now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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