im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she smelled like a LAN party
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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