I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
