I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
