So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
