Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
