One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
