My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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