What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i've created a new STD.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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