Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
