this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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