my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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