My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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