I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
