No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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