i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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