I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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