We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
