he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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