i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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