guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
