you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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