there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
