put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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