the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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