I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
