You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
