Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
