I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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