Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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