I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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