awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This is my life. Enjoy the view
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
