Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
