Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
