we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
