Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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