Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
