Yo dont text me then not text me
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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