His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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