There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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