I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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