if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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