Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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