Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
