once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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