Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
