so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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