Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
